I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
