She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
