Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
