my soul wont recognize me after tonight
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
