I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
