just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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