You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I am naked and annoyed.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
