I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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