I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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