Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
