last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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