Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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