I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
