I feel great
I just peed on a car
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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