I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
