My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
