Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
