I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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