It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
