Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
