I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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