Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
worst night to have a conscience
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
