You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize