Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
there is puke in my bra ... again
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