I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
