he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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