RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
