she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
