Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
