i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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