I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
