I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
