Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
