he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
