I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
