dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
