When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
