You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
