good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
