smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Bring me that man meat
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
