walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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