Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
