Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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