Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
