i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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