can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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