Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
