Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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