got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
where are you?
Hypothermia
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
