Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
