from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I faked an abortion last night.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
