Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
