I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I showed him my bush... on skype.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
