There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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